The neverending protests against American beef imports have now spread to an unlikely part of the city. The area from Tapkol Park to Jongmyo is seeing the beginnings of a coordinated effort to demand the immediate importation of American dog meat. The leader of the protests, Lee “Bow-Wow” Yong-Chil, pictured above, started the nascent movement last week. He now claims to have over 500 harabojis (grandpas) who are ready, “to stand up for the people’s right to eat American dogs.”

According to Mr. Lee, the young protestors are missing a great opportunity to stand up for Korea’s pride by simply trying to prevent the importation of American beef. He believes that a true free trade agreement means that Koreans could enjoy all that America has to offer, including juicy stews of Golden Retrievers, Huskies and St. Bernards.

“Korean Dog producers feed their dogs food scraps, just rice and old pan chan,” whereas,” the American dogs grow big and fat on steak,” claims Mr. Lee, who enjoys Posingtang at least once a week in the back alleys of Seoul. “I am grateful to America for Viagara and Cialis, but I’d be even more grateful to wash the pills down with a peppery Golden Retriever stew.”

In a shocking development in the ongoing saga surrounding the Mad Mad American Cow issue, a new expose by an underground OhMy News reporter has unearthed proof that American cows are being fed Korean babies. The babies are apparently either adopted by beef producers posing as childless American couples, or bought at North Korean baby markets. And to make matters even worse, the Americans apparently refuse to feed their own cows any babies over 30-months old.

According to an unnamed scientist, American beef producers have chosen Korean babies to counteract the possible spread of Mad Cow disease among American cattle. “Our babies have huge heads and brains. If an American cow eats our Korean baby brains, it is sure to recover quickly from its madness,” said the scientist, who claims to have witnessed the feeding process first hand in Montana. According to the scientist, the process includes a ritual where the baby is placed on a hamburger bun and paraded around a public park. Then the baby is spirited away to a local feed lot and turned into a powerful medicinal dietary supplement.

Within two hours of the report, over 10,000 screaming teenagers descended on downtown Seoul crying and chanting in unison, “Korean Babies are Number One, American cows are not much fun!” and “Save our Baby Brains!” Opposition political leaders, joined by North Korea’s KCNA, have demanded in a written petition, that America , “Stop once and for all its cynical and self-righteous use of our superior brains for American agricultural imperialism.”

Success in the recent parliamentary elections by the ruling GNP has empowered President Lee Myung-Bak to greatly expand his efforts to insulate the nation from the growing threat of the global liquidity crisis.

Lee’s previously announced plan to build a peninsula-wide luxury Canal (Le Chanel) is apparently not enough for the President, who vowed in a press conference Friday to , “make Korea the country with the greatest liquidity the world has ever seen. Liquidity Nation Number One!”, the President thundered at the 7 am press conference.

Lee’s plan involves a multi-faceted approach to spread liquidity to almost all areas of the country. The first phase will involve turning at least 1/3 of the nations urinals into “spring-fed negative-ion generating ceramic water cascades”.

Phase 2  plans include building small bird baths on top of every taxi stand and bus shelter, mandating waterfalls be built in the middle of any stairway of over 25 stairs, and installing over 1,000,000 aquariums at strategic “liquidity-starved” locations nationwide.

Perhaps the grandest plans are included in Phase 3,  the cornerstone of which is the amazing transformation of Seoul Tower into the “World’s Most Gigantic Water Fountain!”. Pictured above, the fountain will dazzle residents and visitors alike with its 1-kilometer arcs of water spreading over Namsan like, “a loving, watery embrace from above.”

The jets will activate every hour, starting in an east-west direction. Over the next 15 minutes, the jets will spin clockwise at an ever-increasing speed. At the end of the 15 minutes, the jets will be rotating at a rate of 20 rpms/minute. According to a spokesman, the new jet-fountains will enable “Korea to have the largest liquid-ejecting tool the world has ever seen.”

Letter To The Editor…

Hi there Mr. Editor,

My name is Todd Calebrese and I’d just like to tell everyone how upset I am about being turned down for job after job at hagwons in South Korea.  I just don’t understand why no one will hire me.  After all, I am white, and college educated (just last year I received my degree in automotive engineering from Southern Missouri State Technical College!).  I am really eager to come to Korea to meet the girls, and the other people too.  I’m even willing to try that weird cabbage stuff.  Did I mention that I am white?

If anyone there in Korea could help a good ol’ boy out, I’d rightly appreciate it. I am sending this message from the county library where I come almost every day to check for jobs.  I just think it’s unfair that someone with my qualifications can’t seem to get a break. Not only can I speak and write English, but I even know how to tune up an 89 Hyundai (my ex-girlfriend’s Dad’s car).  That should count for something.  I am attaching my graduation pic for your consideration.

Most sincerely,

Todd “the wrench” Calabrese

No Phase 2 in Insa-dong, just more lattes……

The recent announcement of Starbucks Coffee’s Phase 2 Operation has left Korean Starbucks workers and management lonely, sad, confused and bitter. According to an area manager who requested anonymity, “Nobody told us anything. Here we are just serving coffee while our American Starbucks cousins are preparing for world domination. I feel like a jilted lover.”

Some industry analysts believe that some international Starbucks operations were simply a front built to confound their enemies  and to convince detractors that Starbucks’ true meaning was just to serve coffee.  Apparently, this strategy was successful with many around the world, including local Korean employees, shocked at the launch of Phase 2.

Several international branches seem to be part of Phase 2. Others, such as Korea, are left looking like dupes in a worldwide strategic chess game many years in the making. “The worst part of this whole thing is that all the Starbucks in Japan are now closed and preparing for Phase 2. That hurts. Why Japan and not us?,” the manager ruefully asked.

Here is an excerpt from our parent organization.  You can read the full article here 

“At sun’s crimson dawning, storm grumbles, mounting, ripples of the sky and sea reflected in late trading,” said Lee Woo-hyun, a strategist at Kyobo Securities in Seoul who had warned bankers in 2004 that the American real estate bubble was as artificially inflated and volatile as a gaily painted pig’s bladder played with by dust-covered street urchins. “Now the rain comes, from trees striking leaf and blossom both, uncaring. Not to mention gold will soon crest $950 U.S. an ounce as I grow old without grandsons.”

Edible Fabric Launched

A local Korean fabrics company launched a “revolutionary” new product yesterday. Poonglim Textile’s CEO, Pak Seong-Min announced the  amazing breakthrough at a press conference in Dongdaemoon. The product, dubbed, “Sh’eat Me” is, according to the CEO, the world’s first mass-produced edible fabric.

According to Mr. Pak the product expands on what was previously a tiny market. “In the West, all you have is tiny edible g-strings. We, along with our Korean scientists, have upped the ante, now we have many many square meters of delicious cloth.”

The brainchild of a company worker who attends protests at least once a month, Sh’eat Me will mainly be marketed to various civic and labor groups who often employ large swathes of fabric during their protests. In the past, protesters were limited to simply ripping flags, banners, and assorted images to shreds and could only chew and spit out the object of their hatred. Now, they will be able to swallow as well.

According to Mr. Pak, “We anticipate a future where giant flags of other countries will not only be ripped to shreds, but chewed and devoured in a total edible rage, all with Korean technology.”

The company  has ambitious plans to export its product, which will be licensed under the brand name “TastyTextiles”.  It has already signed a deal to provide a cherry, blueberry and  vanilla product to the Iranian government and is in negotiation to supply the Palestinian Hamas with a similar product, only minus the cherry flavoring.

Lotte Chilsung, one of Korea’s largest drinks manufacturer, announced Monday the introduction of a new health drink, Dear Leader’s Mountain’s Dew. The health elixir is made from several herbs and a unique ingredient, “the teardrops of babes”tm .

According to the company researchers, the healing properties of children’s tears are an ancient Korean folk remedy and have been proven to alleviate numerous ailments. In ancient times, Korean children who cried non-stop were considered both a blessing and a curse for Korean families, causing both great stress but also joy for the extra income generated by the copious tears.  Recently, it had become hard to find a reliable source of the much sought-after tears.

That was until an executive at Lotte Chilsung, visiting the north, saw a group of children spontaneously erupt into a veritable Niagara Falls of tears upon seeing a stutue of the Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il. After negotiations with officials from the North concluded, Lotte Chilsung opened its new facility in the Gaesong Industrail Complex. The factory is actually more of a tear-milking facility where over 1000 children visit daily and are subjected to movies, statues and photos of the Dear Leader and his father.

Researchers are still fine-tuning the process to establish which images and recorded speeches illicit the most tears. So far, it appears to be a video montage of Kim Jong-Il’s image ascending over Mt. Paekdu under a beautiful multi-hued rainbow. The drinks go on sale nationwide this week.

President-elect Lee Myung-Bak, fresh off his victory in a landslide election, announced today a major change to his peninsula-wide canal initiative. According to a spokesman, his transition team just concluded whirlwind negotiations with the world famous French luxury brand Chanel. A detailed M.O.U. has reportedly been inked.

The details of the agreement are not yet officially disclosed, but independent sources confirm that the following are to be included in the final plans for the waterway.

  • The previously unnamed canal will be named Le Chanel de Asia  OR  Chanel no.1,2,3,4, or 6…..pending negotiations.
  • The water will be perfumed at hourly intervals
  • All barge and boat captains will be required to wear berets and scarves
  • Duty free purchases will be available at bridges along the canal
  • 48 golf courses will be constructed along the canal’s banks

This final provision, a bold move by the president, has dramatically reduced the previously vociferous opposition to the canal…er…Le Chanel. According to a spokesman for the transition team, “Just having a national canal will make Korea feel like a big country. But having Le Chanel will show the world we are a really big AND super rich country.”

Just days after the recent elections, South Korea is trying to come to grips with the implications of the recent “Manifesto” issued by the ILF……the Itaewon Liberation Front. The ILF, a shadowy group of juicygirl-ajumma bosses, local interior and fashion designers, Korean wannabe yakuza, Russian ex-performers, and Canadian ESL fugitives has united and  managed to form a cohesive front, dedicated to the cause of Itaewonian Independence. .

According to the rambling manifesto, the group seeks nothing short of an independent, internationally recognized, state of Itaewon, or UAI, the United Alleys of Itaewon.

The group’s leader, Coco Mama, [pictured above undergoing intensive guerrilla sales training in the 70’s] speaking to a single moonlighting Korea Herald reporter at an unremembered location somewhere near the Itaewon subway station at between 3-6 am on New Year’s Day, said something like this…”We will become an independent nation, a Singapore with balls….”