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This last weekend in Jongno, three people, possibly representing a threesome, nonchalantly walked into A Twosome Place,  and completely oblivious to the stares around them, ordered  one cappuccino, one vanilla latte, and one double espresso.  The three, or threesome,  proceeded to sit down amidst a room full of twosomes.

A shocked barrista, thrown off her game, said, “In 8 months I have consistently processed two orders at a time, and over 90% of those are the same thing.  This just frazzled me…three different drinks on one tray, unreal…”

According to one-half of a nearby twosome, Ji-Eun Chun, “this guy actually came over to my table and asked if he could take the extra chair!”  Ji-Eun, whose boyfriend was busy in the bathroom performing emergency gel therapy on his hair, was shocked,  and responded in perfect hagwon English  “No, I am not alone!  I am  in a twosome!”

The three people were described by various twosomes as foreign, loud, and poorly dressed.

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Todd Johnson, a 25 year-old from Regina in Canada, has just completed a whirlwind weekend trip to Vladivostok, Russia and Beijing, China. Within an hour of landing back at Incheon Airport, Todd had proudly updated his countries visited map on his facebook page.

“It looks so good now. So much more red than before!” Todd proudly exclaimed. Previously, Todd had only visited his home country of Canada and South Korea. “It made me feel like a real loser when I’d see other people’s maps, so filled in with red and all. Now, when people look at my page, they’ll think ‘Wow, he’s quite the world traveller!'”

The weekend trip consisted of a morning flight to Vladivostok, and then an evening flight on to Beijing. Asked if he has any further travel plans, Johnson said, “I’m looking into an Australia and Indian weekend next winter. It’ll be a lot more flying than this last trip, but Australia and India are real big countries. That’ll look real cool. And I’m definitely going to visit the US, even though I always said I never would. It’s just too big to be left unfilled in.” Other countries he may visit in the future were the Sudan, Brazil and Greenland. He is also willing to visit Europe once it is considered one really large country.

Samsung, parent company of the ever popular EverLand Resort, announced plans Monday in Seoul to build the world’s first amusement park dedicated solely to the pursuit of protest. The park, to be named “Protestopia”, will be constructed on a 2.4 square kilometer tract of land near Yongin in Gyeonggi-do.

According to spokeswoman Lee Ji-Ae, the park will “solidify Korea’s global reputation as a cutting edge location for advanced protest culture and infrastructure.” The park will be modeled on Disney World, with multiple attractions clustered around themed villages.

The villages will consist of various kinds of protest venues. In one area of the park, named “I hate my Damn Company…and my Stupid Boss”, guests will be encouraged to swarm fake office buildings and smash furniture and computers. The office equipment and furniture will be made especially for this purpose and will be automatically reassembled and made ready for the next group of guests within minutes by park staff.

In the International Village, guests will have a variety of opportunities to vent theirt rage at Japanese, American or maybe someday in the future, Chinese targets. This zone will be fully paved in the flags of potential protest target countries.

There will also be a History Zone where young Koreans can take part in reenactments of famous historical protests from the nation’s recent and distant past. There will be contests for hunger fasting, tear gas endurement, endurance screaming, and numerous other engaging activities. And everynight, park attendees, led by park staff, will gather around the giant Protest Fist Castle and carry candlelights and sing in unison while enjoying an amazing light and laser show.

The whole park will have a festive yet edgy atmosphere. According to the spokewoman, “it will be a face-painting, singing, screaming, fist-pumping good time for the whole family.”

The neverending protests against American beef imports have now spread to an unlikely part of the city. The area from Tapkol Park to Jongmyo is seeing the beginnings of a coordinated effort to demand the immediate importation of American dog meat. The leader of the protests, Lee “Bow-Wow” Yong-Chil, pictured above, started the nascent movement last week. He now claims to have over 500 harabojis (grandpas) who are ready, “to stand up for the people’s right to eat American dogs.”

According to Mr. Lee, the young protestors are missing a great opportunity to stand up for Korea’s pride by simply trying to prevent the importation of American beef. He believes that a true free trade agreement means that Koreans could enjoy all that America has to offer, including juicy stews of Golden Retrievers, Huskies and St. Bernards.

“Korean Dog producers feed their dogs food scraps, just rice and old pan chan,” whereas,” the American dogs grow big and fat on steak,” claims Mr. Lee, who enjoys Posingtang at least once a week in the back alleys of Seoul. “I am grateful to America for Viagara and Cialis, but I’d be even more grateful to wash the pills down with a peppery Golden Retriever stew.”

In a shocking development in the ongoing saga surrounding the Mad Mad American Cow issue, a new expose by an underground OhMy News reporter has unearthed proof that American cows are being fed Korean babies. The babies are apparently either adopted by beef producers posing as childless American couples, or bought at North Korean baby markets. And to make matters even worse, the Americans apparently refuse to feed their own cows any babies over 30-months old.

According to an unnamed scientist, American beef producers have chosen Korean babies to counteract the possible spread of Mad Cow disease among American cattle. “Our babies have huge heads and brains. If an American cow eats our Korean baby brains, it is sure to recover quickly from its madness,” said the scientist, who claims to have witnessed the feeding process first hand in Montana. According to the scientist, the process includes a ritual where the baby is placed on a hamburger bun and paraded around a public park. Then the baby is spirited away to a local feed lot and turned into a powerful medicinal dietary supplement.

Within two hours of the report, over 10,000 screaming teenagers descended on downtown Seoul crying and chanting in unison, “Korean Babies are Number One, American cows are not much fun!” and “Save our Baby Brains!” Opposition political leaders, joined by North Korea’s KCNA, have demanded in a written petition, that America , “Stop once and for all its cynical and self-righteous use of our superior brains for American agricultural imperialism.”

Success in the recent parliamentary elections by the ruling GNP has empowered President Lee Myung-Bak to greatly expand his efforts to insulate the nation from the growing threat of the global liquidity crisis.

Lee’s previously announced plan to build a peninsula-wide luxury Canal (Le Chanel) is apparently not enough for the President, who vowed in a press conference Friday to , “make Korea the country with the greatest liquidity the world has ever seen. Liquidity Nation Number One!”, the President thundered at the 7 am press conference.

Lee’s plan involves a multi-faceted approach to spread liquidity to almost all areas of the country. The first phase will involve turning at least 1/3 of the nations urinals into “spring-fed negative-ion generating ceramic water cascades”.

Phase 2  plans include building small bird baths on top of every taxi stand and bus shelter, mandating waterfalls be built in the middle of any stairway of over 25 stairs, and installing over 1,000,000 aquariums at strategic “liquidity-starved” locations nationwide.

Perhaps the grandest plans are included in Phase 3,  the cornerstone of which is the amazing transformation of Seoul Tower into the “World’s Most Gigantic Water Fountain!”. Pictured above, the fountain will dazzle residents and visitors alike with its 1-kilometer arcs of water spreading over Namsan like, “a loving, watery embrace from above.”

The jets will activate every hour, starting in an east-west direction. Over the next 15 minutes, the jets will spin clockwise at an ever-increasing speed. At the end of the 15 minutes, the jets will be rotating at a rate of 20 rpms/minute. According to a spokesman, the new jet-fountains will enable “Korea to have the largest liquid-ejecting tool the world has ever seen.”

Letter To The Editor…

Hi there Mr. Editor,

My name is Todd Calebrese and I’d just like to tell everyone how upset I am about being turned down for job after job at hagwons in South Korea.  I just don’t understand why no one will hire me.  After all, I am white, and college educated (just last year I received my degree in automotive engineering from Southern Missouri State Technical College!).  I am really eager to come to Korea to meet the girls, and the other people too.  I’m even willing to try that weird cabbage stuff.  Did I mention that I am white?

If anyone there in Korea could help a good ol’ boy out, I’d rightly appreciate it. I am sending this message from the county library where I come almost every day to check for jobs.  I just think it’s unfair that someone with my qualifications can’t seem to get a break. Not only can I speak and write English, but I even know how to tune up an 89 Hyundai (my ex-girlfriend’s Dad’s car).  That should count for something.  I am attaching my graduation pic for your consideration.

Most sincerely,

Todd “the wrench” Calabrese